When I was in London I had read the English translations of the works of Ernst Haeckel in the British Museum。 I was greatly impressed by his lucid and clear expression of the different phenomena of the Universe。I wrote him a letter expressing my gratitude for the impression his books had made on me。There must have been something in this letter which arrested his attention， for afterwards， when I danced in Berlin， he replied to it。
At that time Ernst Haeckel was banished by the Kaiser， and could not come to Berlin on account of his free speaking， but our correspondence had continued， and when I was in Bayreuth I wrote and asked him to visit me and attend the Festspiel。
One rainy morning I took a two？horse， open carriage， as there were no autos in those days， and went to the train to meet Ernst Haeckel。The great man descended from the train。Although over sixty， he possessed a magnifcent， athletic figure， with a white beard and white hair。He wore strange。baggy clothes， and carried a carpet bag。We had never met， but we recognised each other at once。I was immediately enfolded in his great arms， and found my face buried in his beard。His whole being gave forth a fine perfume of health and strength and intelligence， if one can speak of the perfume of intelligence。
He came with me to Phillip's Ruhe， where we had his room decorated with fowers。 Then I rushed down to Villa Wahnfried to tell the good news to Frau Cosima， that the great Ernst Haeckel had arrived and was my guest， and would come to hear Parsifal。To my surprise this news was received most coldly。I had not realised that the crucifix over Frau Cosima's bed and the rosary hanging on the night table were not merely ornaments。She really was a church？attending Catholic and a believer。The man who had written The Riddle of the Universe， and who was the greatest iconoclast since Charles Darwin， whose theories he upheld， could not fnd a warm reception at Villa Wahnfried。In a naive and direct manner， I expatiated on the greatness of Haeckel and my admiration for him。Frau Cosima reluctantly gave me the coveted place in the Wagner loge for him， for I was a very close friend of hers and she could not refuse me。
That afternoon， before the astonished audience， I prom？enaded during the entr'acte， in my Greek tunic， bare legs and bare feet， hand？in？hand with Ernst Haeckel， his white head towering above the multitude。
Haeckel was very quiet during the unfolding of Parsifal。 Not until the third act did I understand that all this mystic passion did not appeal to him。His mind was too purely scientifc to admit of the fascination of a legend。
As he received no invitation to dine or to be feted at the Villa Wahnfried。 I had the idea of giving an Ernst Haeckel Festival in his honour。I invited an amazing assembly ofpeople， from King Ferdinand of Bulgaria， who was then visiting Bayreuth， and the Princess of Saxe？Meiningen， sister of the Kaiser， who was an extraordinarily broad？minded woman， to the Princess Henri of Reuss， Humperdinck， Heinrich Thode， etc。
I made a speech praising me greatness of Haeckel， then danced in his honour。 Haeckel commented on my dance， likening it to all the universal truths of nature， and said that it was an expression of monism， in that it came from one source and had one direction of evolution。Afterwards， Von Barry， the famous tenor， sang。We had supper， Haeckel acting as gaily as a boy。We feasted and drank and sang till morning。
Nevertheless， the next day， as every morning during his stay at Phillip's Ruhe， Haeckel rose with the sun。 He used to come into my room and invite me to walk with him to the mountain top， which， I confess， I was not as keen to do as he was。But these walks were wonderful， because he commented upon every stone in the road， every tree， and every geologic earth strata。
Finally， arriving at the mountain's height， he stood like some demi？god， observing the works of nature with a completely approving eye。He carried on his back his easel and paint？box， and made many sketches of the forest trees and rock formations of the hills。Although he was a fairly good painter， his work naturally lacked the artist’s imagination。It portrayed， rather， the skilled observation of the scientist。I do not mean that Ernst Haeckel couldnot appreciate art， but， to him， it was simply another manifestation of natural evolution。When I used to discourse to him of our enthusiasm for the Parthenon， he was much interested to know the quality of the marble， from which strata and which side of Mount Pentelicus it came， rather than to hear my praise of a gem of Phidias。
One night at Villa Wahnfried， King Ferdinand of Bulgaria had been announced。 Every one rose and whispered to me to rise， but I was fercely democratic and， instead， remained gracefully reclining on a couch à la Madame Récamier。Very soon Ferdinand asked who I was， and came towards me， to the scandal of all the other hoheits present。He simply seated himself beside me on the couch and began to talk at once most interestingly on his love for Greek antiquities。I told him of my dream of a school which would bring about a renaissance of the antique world， and he said， in a voice that everyone could hear，“It is a lovely idea。You must come and make your school in my Palace on the Black Sea。”
The climax came when I asked him at dinner if he wouldn't come and have supper with me at Phillip's Ruhe some evening， after the performance， so that I could explain to him more about my ideals。 He gracefully accepted the invitation。He kept his word and spent a charming evening with us at Phillip's Ruhe， and I learned to appreciate this remarkable man， poet， artist， dreamer， and truly royal intellect。
I had a butler with moustaches like the Kaiser。 He wasmuch impressed by Ferdinand's visit。When he brought in a tray with champagne and sandwiches， Ferdinand said，“No， I never touch champagne。”But when he saw the label，“Oh， Mo？t et Chandon—yes—French champagne， with pleasure。The truth is， I have been poisoned here with German champagne。”
The visits of Ferdinand to Phillip's Ruhe， although we most innocently sat and discoursed on Art， also caused a hullabaloo in Bayreuth， because they took place at midnight。 In fact， I could not do anything without seeming extravagantly different from other people， and therefore shocking。
Phillip's Ruhe contained many couches and cushions， rosecoloured lamps and no chairs。 It was looked upon by some as a Temple of Iniquity。Especially since very often the great tenor Von Barry was inspired to sing all night and I danced， the village people considered it as a veritable witches'house， and described our innocent revels as“terrible orgies。”
Now there was at Bayreuth an artists'cabaret called The Owl， and these people used to sing and drink all night， but that was considered all right because they acted in a manner which everyone could understand， and because they wore ordinary clothes。
At Villa Wahnfried I met some young officers who invited me to ride with them in the mornings。 I mounted in my Greek tunic and sandals， bareheaded， with my curls flying in the wind， I resembled Briinhilde。As Phillip'sRuhe was some distance from the Festspiel Haus， I bought one of these horses from an ofcer， and I attended all the rehearsals à la Brünhilde。As he was an officer’s horse， the animal was used to spurs and was very difficult to manage。When he found himself alone with me， he indulged in all sorts of caprices。Among others， he used to stop at every public house on the road， where the officers had been accustomed to drink， and， planting his four feet on the ground， refuse to move until some laughing comrades of his former owner would come out and escort me further on my way。You can imagine the sensation my appearance created when I finally arrived before the entire audience assembed at the Festspiel Haus。
In the frst performance of Tannh？user my transparent tunic， showing every part of my dancing body， had created some stir amidst the pink？covered legs of the ballet， and at the last moment even poor Frau Cosima lost her courage。She sent one of her daughters to my loge with a long white chemise， which she begged me to wear under the filmy scarf which served me for a costume。But I was adamant。I would dress and dance exactly my way， or not at all。
“You will see， before many years all your bacchantes and fower maidens will dress as I do。”This prophecy was fulfilled。
But at that time there was much contention and hot discussion about my beautiful legs， whether my own satiny skin was quite moral or whether it should be covered with horried salmoncoloured silk tights。 Many times Ideclaimed myself hoarse on the subject of just how vulgar and indecent these salmon？coloured tights were and how beautiful and innocent the naked human body was when inspired by beautiful thoughts。
So here I was， a perfect pagan to all， fighting the Philistines。 Yet here was a pagan about to be overcome by the ecstasy of a love born of the cult of St。Francis， and， according to the rites of the silver trumpet， proclaiming the raising of the Grail。
In this strange world of legend the summer waned。 The last days arrived。Thode left for a lecture tour。I also arranged for myself a tour of Germany。I left Bayreuth， but I carried a potent poison in my blood。I had heard the call of the sirens。The yearning pain， the haunted remorse， the sorrowful sacrifice， the theme of Love calling Death—all were hereafter to obliterate for ever the clear vision of Doric columns and the reasoning wisdom of Socrates。
The first stop on my tour was at Heidelberg。 There I heard Heinrich lecture to his students。In alternate soft and thrilling tones， he discoursed to them of Art。Suddenly in the midst of his lecture he spoke my name， and began telling these boys of a new aesthetic form brought to Europe by an American。His praise made me tremble with happiness and pride。That night I danced for the students， and they made a great procession through the streets， and after it I found myself standing on the steps of the hotel beside Thode， sharing his triumph with him。All the youth of Heidelberg adored him as I did。Everyshop window held his picture and every shop was filled with copies ot my little book， Der Tanz der Zukunft。Our names were linked together continually。
Frau Thode gave me a reception。 She was a kindly woman， but seemed to me quite incapable of the high exaltation in which Heinrich lived。She was too thoroughly practical to be a soulmate for him。As a matter of fact， towards the end of his life， he left her， going away with a lady Pied Piper—a violinist—to live in a villa in the Garde See。Frau Thode had one brown eye and one grey， and that gave her a constantly uneasy expression。In a famous lawsuit later on there was actually a family discussion as to whether she was the child of Richard Wagner or Von Bülow。Anyway， she was very kind to me， and if she felt any jealousy， she did not show it。
Any woman who could be jealous of Thode would have let herself in for a life of Chinese torture， for everyone worshipped him—women and boys too。 He was the magnetic centre of every gathering。It would be interesting to ask just what jealousy includes。
Though I had spent so many nights with Heinrich， there had been no sexual relations between us。 Nevertheless， his treatment of me had so sensitised my entire being that it needed only a touch， sometimes a look， to give me all the keenest pleasure and intensity of love， the same relation to the actual pleasure， for instance， as one has in a dream。I suppose this state of things was too abnormal to last， for I finally could eat nothing at all， and was attacked by aqueer faintness which gave to my dancing a more and more vaporous quality。
Alone on this tour， with a maid to care for me， I fnally arrived at such a state that I continually heard Heinrich's voice calling to me in the night， and I was sure to receive a letter the next day。 People began to worry about how thin I was， and commented upon my inexplicably emaciated looks。I could no longer eat or sleep， and often lay awake all night；my lithe， feverish hands， travelling over my body， which seemed to be possessed by thousands of demons， tried in vain to subdue or fnd some outlet for this sufering。Constantly I saw Heinrich's eyes and heard his voice。From such nights I often rose in agonised despair， and took a train at two in the morning， travelling over half Germany only to be near him for an hour， and to return again alone on my tour to even greater torments。The spiritual ecstasy with which he had inspired me in Bayreuth gradually gave place to an exasperated state of uncontrollable desire。
This dangerous state was brought to an end by my manager bringing me a contract for Russia。 St。Petersburg was only two days from Berlin， but from the moment of passing the frontier it was as if one entered an entirely diferent world。From then on the country became merged into great snowy plains and immense forests。The snow， so cold—glistening， vast stretches—seemed to cool my heated brain。
Heinrich！Heinrich！He was back there in Heidelberg， telling beautiful boys about Michael Angelo's“Night”and the marvellous“Mother of God。”Here was I， going farther and farther from him， into a land of vast， cold whiteness， only broken by poor villages（isbas），from whose frost？covered windows gleamed a faint light。I could still hear his voice， but fainter。At last the tantalising strains of Venusberg， the wails of Kundry， and the agony cry of Amfortas were all frozen into one clear globe of ice。
That night in the sleeping？car， I dreamt that I jumped out of the window， naked， into the snow， and was embraced and rolled and frozen in its icy arms。What would Dr。Freud have said of this dream。
