Ladies and Gentlemen， Distinguished Faculty， Administrators， Friends and Families and， of course， the graduating Class of 2003， I wish to say hello and thank you for bestowing this honor upon me as your Class Day speaker. After months of secret negotiations， several hundred secret ballots， and a weekend retreat with Vice President Dick Cheney in his secret mountain bunker， a Class Day speaker was chosen， and it was me. You obviously have made a grave error. But it‘s too late now. But it’s too late now. So let‘s just go with it.
Today’s speech is going to be a little different， a little unorthodox. Some of you may find it to be shocking. I‘m not going to stand up here and try to be funny. Because even though I am a professional comedian of the highestcaliber， I’ve decided to do one thing that a lot of people are probably afraid to do， and that‘s give it to you straight.
As most of you are probably aware， I didn’t graduate from Harvard. In fact， I never even got a call back from Admissions. Damn you， Harvard！ Damn you！I told myself I would not get emotional today. But damn it， I‘m here， and sometimes it’s just good to cry.
I‘m not one of you. Okay？ I can’t relate to who you are and what you‘ve been through. I graduated from the University of Life.
So my gift to you， Class of 2003， is to tell you about the real world through my eyes， through my experiences. And I’m sorry， but I refuse to sugarcoat it. I arn‘t gonna do it. And I probably shoudn’t use the word“ain‘t”during this day in which we celebrate education. But that’s just the way I pay it， Homes.
Graduates， if you will indulge me for a moment， let me paint a picture of what it‘s like out there.The last four or， for some of you，five years you’ve been living in a fantasyland， running around， talking about Hemingway， or Clancy， or Clancy， or， I don‘t know， I mean whatever you read here at Harvard. The Novelization of the Matrix， I don’t know. I don‘t know what you do here.
But I do know this. You’re about to enter into a world filled with hypocrisy and doublespeak， a world in which your limo to the airport is ofen a half-hour late.In addition to not even being a limo at all； often times it‘s a Lincoln Towncar. You’re about to enter a world where you ask your new assistant， Jamie， to bring you a tall， non-fat late. And he comes back with a short soy cappuccino. Guss what， Jamie？ You‘re fired. Not too hard get right， my friend.
A world where your acting coach， Bob Leslie-Duncan-yes， the Bob Leslie Duncan-tells you time and time again you will never ever be consideredas a dramatic actor because you don’t play things real， and are too over the top. Amazing！ Simply amazing！
I‘m sorry ，graduates. But this is a world where you aren’t allowed to use your cell phone in airplanes，during live theater， at the movies， at funerals， or even during your own elective surgery. The Berlin Wall went back up because we now live in Russia. I mean just try lighting up a cigar in a movie theater or paying for a dinner for 20 friends with an autograph.It ain‘t that easy. Strong words， I know. Though talk. But more like tough love. Because this is where my faith in you gays comes into play， Harvard University’s graduating Class of 2003， with out a doubt， the finest， most talented group of sexual beings this great land has to offer.
Now I know I blew some of your minds with my depiction of what it‘s really like out there. But if anyone can handle the ups and downs of this crazy blue marble we call Planet Earth， it’s you gays. As I stare out into this vast sea of shining faces， I see the best and brightest. Some of you will be captains of industry and business. Others of you will go on to great careers in medicine， law and public service.
As you set off into the world， don‘t be afraid to question your leaders. But don’t ask too many questions at one time or that are too hard because your leaders get tired and/or cranky. All of you sitting here have the brightest of futures ahead. Many of you will go on to stellar careers and various pursuits.
