Coping with Loss 面对离逝
The impermanence of life is an inescapable fact.Yet while it is one thing to know，in theory，that each moment of your life may be the last，it's much harder to actually live and act，on a practical level，based on that belief.Most of us tend to imagine that there will always be another chance to meet and talk with our friends or relatives again，so it doesn't matter if a few things go unsaid.But whenever I meet someone，I try to extend myself to them to the utmost，for that may be our last encounter.I never leave room for regret，aiming to concentrate my whole being in each moment.
Buddhism identifies the pain of parting from one's loved ones as one of life's inevitable sufferings.It is certainly true that we cannot avoid experiencing the sadness of separation in this life.
Shakyamuni，the Buddha who lived in India over 2，000 years ago，lost his mother when he was just one week old.As he grew up，he always wondered，“Why did my mother die？Where did she go？Where can I go to meet her？What is this thing'death'that has robbed me of my mother？What，after all，is life？”His sorrow at the loss of his mother became a powerful driving force which enabled him to have deep compassion for others and to seek the truth of life.
One day he met a woman whose child had died；she was wandering about in a grief-stricken daze with the tiny body clutched to hers.“Please give me some medicine to save my baby，”she begged Shakyamuni，her eyes red with tears.He knew the child was past saving，but wanted somehow to encourage her.He told her to fetch some poppy seeds so he could make medicine，but only to collect poppy seeds from families which had never known bereavement.The woman hurried off into town and called on every household.But although many had poppy seeds，there was not a single house in which there had never been a death.The distraught mother gradually came to realize that every family lived with the sadness of lost loved ones quietly concealed somewhere in their hearts.Through this experience she realized she was not alone in her feelings of grief.
Probably no words can heal the heart of a mother who has lost her child.Someone truly wise，on meeting a woman whose child has died，might simply sit down at her side，and stay there not saying a word.Even if no words are exchanged，the warm reverberations of concern from deep in that person's life will be felt.
In the Buddhist view，the bonds that link people are not a matter of this lifetime alone.And because those who have died in a sense live on within us，our happiness is naturally shared with those who have passed away.So，the most important thing is for those of us who are alive at this moment to live with hope and strive to become happy.By becoming happy ourselves，we can send invisible“waves”of happiness to those who have passed away.But if we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by sorrow，the deceased will feel this sorrow too，as we are always together，inseparable.
When I met Sonia Gandhi，widow of Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhi，not long after her husband's tragic death，I said to her，“The lives of those who have suffered the greatest tragedy shine with the greatest brilliance.Please change your destiny into a source of great value.If you are sad，your husband will grieve with you.And if you stand up with a smile，your husband will be happy too.”
A person who meets with a great tragedy will quite naturally be at a loss as to what to do with their life.I believe one has to decide whether to keep up one's spirits and go on living with all one's might or let oneself be broken by disappointment.
There are many examples where people who lost their mother or father early in life have gone on to achieve great things.My friend Oswald Mbuyiseni Mtshali，a famous South African poet，once told me that the first poem he wrote was to his mother.He said，“My mother's death was a great shock to me，so great that I almost couldn't recover from it.It took me a long time to get over it.But eventually I noticed something.Whatever strength I had was something my mother had given to me，left to me.My mother's words were alive in me；my mother lived on inside me.When I recognized that，a poem to my mother welled up spontaneously from the depths of my heart.”
Through struggling to overcome the pain and sadness that accompanies death，we become more aware of the dignity of life and can come to share the sufferings of others as our own.
The Harvard University Library was donated by a woman who lost her son in the tragic sinking of the Titanic in 1912.Her son，Harry Widener，who died at the age of twenty-seven，was a graduate of Harvard who had a passion for reading and had collected many books.In fact he had just completed a book-buying trip in London when he boarded the Titanic together with his mother and father.
Harry was a loving son to his mother，a gallant and heroic young man.Seeing his mother safely into the lifeboat，he stayed behind with his father on the sinking ship.The collection of over three thousand valuable books that he had already built up was left to Harvard University，but there was nowhere to put them.This prompted his mother to donate huge sums of money so that a library could be constructed.Out of this tragedy came a priceless gift to countless students.
Those who can overcome grief and continue to live with strength and courage deserve respect.I greatly admire someone who can overcome their personal suffering and go on to leave behind something of value for future generations.
生命无常是无法逃避的现实。虽然，从理论上说，活着的每一刻都可能是生命的最后时刻，但是，在现实中，要根据这一信条去生活和行动，谈何容易。我们中的大部分人都倾向于认为还会有下次再和我们的朋友或者亲戚见面、聊天，所以，这次有什么事情没说也没有关系。但是，不管我何时见到谁，我都尽可能地表达自己，因为那可能是我们最后一次见面。我在每一刻都全身心投入，从不留下遗憾。
佛教把与所爱之人分离的痛苦看做是人生必须遭受的苦难之一，无法阻止。当然，在今生，我们的确不可避免地要经历离别的悲伤。
释迦牟尼，两千年前生活在印度的佛，仅一周大的时候就失去了他的母亲。在长大的岁月里，他总怀着这样的疑问：“为什么我母亲会死呢？她去哪儿了？我到哪儿才能见到她？这个夺走我母亲的‘死亡’到底是什么？生命，究竟是什么？”没有母亲的痛苦成了推动他的巨大力量，让他对他人怀有深切的悲悯之情，促使他追求生命的真谛。
一天他遇见一位刚失去孩子的母亲。她悲伤过度，神色恍惚，紧紧抱着孩子小小的身体，茫然地走来走去。“请给我些药，救救我的孩子。”她乞求释迦牟尼，红红的眼睛含着泪水。他知道孩子已不能起死回生，但是又想安慰这位母亲。他告诉她去找一些罂粟籽来以便他制药，但是这些罂粟籽要从那些从来不晓得丧亲为何物的人家搜集。女人慌忙跑到镇上，敲开了每一户人家的屋门。虽然很多都有罂粟籽，但是没有一户人家不曾经历过死亡。这个心痛、心急得快要发疯的母亲逐渐意识到每一户人家都怀揣着丧亲的哀伤，只是他们把这种哀伤悄悄地埋藏在了心里的某个地方，继续自己的生活。这段经历让她认识到，死者已矣，生者共勉，自己并不孤独。
也许没有什么语言能够医好一个失去孩子的母亲心里的伤痛。一个真正智慧的人，在遇到这样的女人时，会在她旁边坐下来，只是那么陪着她，什么都不说。虽然默默无语，但她会感受到来自此人生命深处的温暖关爱，每每想起，依旧暖慰人心。
以佛教观点来看，系在人们之间的纽带不单单存在于今生。那些死去的人，在某种意义上说，仍然活在我们心中，所以，他们自然能够分享我们的快乐。因此，对于我们这些当下还活着的人，最重要的就是要抱有希望，努力过得幸福。自己幸福快乐了，就可以把看不见的幸福，一波波地传递给那些逝去的人们。但是，如果我们自己被痛苦打倒，萎靡不振，他们也会感同身受，因为我们总是在一起，不可分离。
当我见到索尼亚？甘地，印度总理拉吉夫？甘地的遗孀，在她丈夫悲剧性的死亡后不久，我对她说，“那些遭受世间最大悲剧的生命往往闪着最耀眼的光芒。请把你的命运转化为强大的价值源泉。如果你伤心，你丈夫会跟着悲伤；如果你微笑着站立起来，你丈夫也会快乐。”
很自然，一个遭受巨大灾难的人会对自己下一步的人生茫然不知所措。我想他必须决定是振奋精神，全力以赴地继续生活下去，还是丢弃任何希望，沮丧消沉下去。
早年失去母亲或父亲，后来取得巨大成功，这样的例子不在少数。我的朋友奥斯瓦尔德？姆查利，南非著名诗人，曾经告诉我他的第一首诗是写给他母亲的。他说，“母亲去世对我打击很大，我几乎一蹶不振，花了好长时间才恢复过来。但是我最终感觉到了，我的力量来源于母亲，她的话还在我脑中回响，她仍然活在我心里。当我意识到这点，一首献给母亲的诗就从我心灵深处不可抑制地奔涌而出。”
战胜死亡带来的痛苦和悲伤，我们可以更深刻地意识到生命的尊严，才能对他人的不幸感同身受，体恤有加。
哈佛大学图书馆是在一位女士的资助下建筑的，她在1912年泰坦尼克号海难中失去了自己的儿子。她的儿子，哈里？温德那，遇难时二十七岁，毕业于哈佛大学，酷爱读书，收藏有很多书籍。实际上，他在与父母一同登上泰坦尼克号之前刚刚结束他在伦敦的购书之旅。
哈里这个勇敢、富于英雄气概的年轻人，非常爱他的母亲。在看到母亲安全转移到救生艇上后，他和父亲留在了即将沉没的船上。他生前收藏的三千多本珍贵书籍留予了哈佛大学，但是学校却没有地方存放这些书，这促使她母亲捐赠大笔金钱建造了图书馆。灾难过后，却有了这样一份无价的礼物让不计其数的学生受益。
那些能够战胜悲痛，勇敢在生活里继续前进的人值得尊敬。我非常敬仰能够克服个人的不幸，并为后世造福的人。
译者感言
有谁能看透生命的过程？庄子的“方生方死”，或是孔子的“生无所息”吗？也许人类所有的困惑最后都将集中在对生命本身过程的解释上，然而，有一点可以确定的是，不管一个生命如何的鲜活与生机，总是与苦难相伴的。人就好像一根苇草，是自然最脆弱的东西，但却是有精神、有思想的韦草；天灾人祸很残酷，但勇敢无畏、悉心迎对会让生命更加坚强，因为生命在经历苦难时，往往会萌发出力量与创造的冲动。人从诞生起，就似从水的源头流下，永无止息地向前流动。前方何况不得而知，也许是狂风骤雨，也许是冷雾与阴云，但是，流动的生命此时才显现出它雄浑和悲壮的本色，茫茫苍苍，义无反顾地奔向蔚蓝色的归宿。命运可能千疮百孔，而心却可以完好无缺。尘世茫茫，让我们的心在生命之河的奔涌起伏中愈发强大吧！
