My wife and daughters happening to return a visit at neighbour Flamborough‘s，found that family had lately got their pictures drawn by a limner，who travelled the country，and took likenesses for fifteen shillings a head.As this family and ours had long a sort of rivalry in point of taste，our spirit took the alarm at this stolen march upon us；and notwithstanding all I could say，and I said much，it was resolved that we should have our pictures done too.Having，therefore，engaged the limnerfor what could Ido？our next deliberation was to shew the superiorityof our taste in the attitudes.As for our neighbour’s family，there were seven of them，and they were drawn with seven orangesa thing quite out of taste，no variety in life，no composition in the world.We desired to havesomething in a brighter style；and after many debates，at length came to an unanimous resolution of being drawn together，in one large historical family piece.This would be cheaper，since one frame would serve for all，and it would be infinitely more genteel；for all families of any taste were now drawn in the same manner.As we did not immediately recollect an historical subject to hit us，we were contented each with being drawn as independent historical figures.My wife desired to be represented as Venus，and the painter was desired not to be too frugal of his diamonds in her stomacher and hair.Her two little ones were to be as Cupids by her side；while I，in my gown and band，was to present her with my books on the Whistonian controversy.Olivia would be drawn as an Amazon，sitting upon a bank of flowers，dressed in a green joseph richly laced with gold，and a whip in her hand.Sophia was to be a shepherdess，with as many sheep as the painter could put in for nothing；and Moses was to be dressed out with an hat and white feather.Our taste so much pleased the Squire that he insisted on being put in as one of the family，in the character of Alexander the Great，at Olivia‘s feet.This was considered by us all as an indication of his desire to be introduced into the family，nor could we refuse his request.The painter was therefore set to work，and as he wrought with assiduity and expedition，in less than four days the whole was completed.The piece was large，and it must be owned he did not spare his colours；for which my wife gave him great encomiums.We were all perfectly satisfied with his performance；but an unfortunate circumstance whichhad not occurred till the picture was finished，now struck us with dismay.It was so very large that we had no place in the house to fix it.How we all came to disregard so material a point is inconceivable；but certain it is，we had been all greatly remiss.The picture，therefore，instead of gratifying our vanity，as we hoped，leaned，in a most mortifying manner，against the kitchen wall，where the canvas was stretched and painted，much too large to be got through any of the doors，and the jest of all our neighbours.One compared it to Robinson Crusoe’s longboat，too large to be removed；another thought it more resembled a reel in a bottle；some wondered how it could be got out，but still more were amazed how it ever got in.
But though it excited the ridicule of some，it effectually raised more malicious suggestions in many.The Squire‘s portrait being found united with ours，was an honour too great to escape envy.Scandalous whispers began to circulate at our expense，and our tranquillity was continually disturbed by persons，who came as friends，to tell us what was said of us by enemies.These reports we always resented with becoming spirit；but scandal ever improves by opposition.
We once again，therefore，entered into a consultation upon obviating the malice of our enemies，and at last came to a resolution which had too much cunning to give me entire satisfaction.It was this：as our principal object was to discover the honour of Mr.Thornhill’s addresses，my wife undertook to sound him，by pretending to ask his advice in the choice of an husband for her eldest daughter.If this was not found sufficient to induce himto a declaration，it was then resolved to terrify him with a rival.To this last step，however，I would by no means give my consent，till Olivia gave me the most solemn assurances that she would marry the person provided to rival him upon this occasion，if he did not prevent it by taking her himself.Such was the scheme laid，which，though I did not strenuously oppose，I did not entirely approve.
The next time，therefore，that Mr.Thornhill came to see us，my girls took care to be out of the way，in order to give their mamma an opportunity of putting her scheme in execution；but they only retired to the next room，whence they could overhear the whole conversation.My wife artfully introduced it，by observing，that one of the Miss Flamboroughs was like to have a very good match of it in Mr.Spanker.To this the Squire assenting，she proceeded to remark，that they who had warm fortunes were always sure of getting good husbands：“But heaven help，”continued she，“the girls that have none！What signifies beauty，Mr.Thornhill？or what signifies all the virtue，and all the qualifications in the world，in this age of selfinterest？It is not，What is she？but，What has she？
is all the cry.”
“Madam，”returned he，“I highly approve the justice，as well as the novelty，of your remarks，and if I were a king，it should be otherwise.It should then，indeed，be fine times for the girls without fortunes：our two young ladies should be the first for whom I would provide.”
“Ah，sir，”returned my wife，“you are pleased to be facetious：but I wish I were a queen，and then I knowwhere my eldest daughter should look for an husband.But now that you have put it into my head，seriously，Mr.Thornhill，can‘t you recommend me a proper husband for her？She is now nineteen years old，well grown and well educated，and，in my humble opinion，does not want for parts.”
“Madam，”replied he，“if I were to choose，I would find out a person possessed of every accomplishment that can make an angel happy.One with prudence，fortune，taste，and sincerity；such，madam，would be，in my opinion，the proper husband.”“Ay，sir，”said she，“but do you know of any such person？”“No，Madam，”returned he，“it is impossible to know any person that deserves to be her husband：she’s too great a treasure for one man‘s possession：she’s a goddess！Upon my soul，I speak what I think，she‘s an angel！”“Ah，Mr.Thornhill，you only flatter my poor girl：but we have been thinking of marrying her to one of your tenants，whose mother is lately dead，and who wants a manager；you know whom I mean，Farmer Williams；a warm man，Mr.Thornhill，able to give her good bread；and who has several times made her proposals”（which was actually the case）；“but，sir，”concluded she，“I should be glad to have your approbation of our choice.”“How，Madam，”replied he，“my approbation！my approbation of such a choice！Never.What！Sacrifice so much beauty，and sense，and goodness，to a creature insensible of the blessing！Excuse me，I can never approve of such a piece of injustice.And I have my reasons.”“Indeed，sir，”cried Deborah，“If you have your reasons，that’s another affair；but I should be glad to know those reasons.”“Excuse me，Madam，”returned he，“they lie too deep for discovery”（laying his hand upon his bosom）；“they remain buried，rivetted here.”
After he was gone，upon a general consultation，we could not tell what to make of these fine sentiments.Olivia considered them as instances of the most exalted passion；but I was not quite so sanguine；yet，whatever they might portend，it was resolved to prosecute the scheme of Farmer Williams，who，from my daughter‘s first appearance in the country，had paid her his addresses.
Oliver Goldsmith
