Feeling Beautiful
As a child, I felt I was an ugly duckling. You know, the kid no one would play with. Who was considered odd. Too skinny. Did nothing athletic. My few friends and I constituted the outcasts at my grade school.
Later, as I began to develop a figure and a smile, I still never could shake the feeling that I was substandard. When the prettier girl got the guy, I figured that was only fair—she deserved to be happy. I didn’t.
When a guy did give me some attention, I figured he was doing me a favor, so I reciprocated obsessively until he got tired of me. Even when I looked in the mirror and saw something pleasant looking back at me, I figured it was a fluke.
Years passed, and I went through some bad relationships, up-and-down weight loss, extreme self-hatred. Then there came a time when I was living in Los Angeles, the land of “everyone looks perfect”. In my own contrariant way, I decided to differentiate myself.
I stopped coloring my hair and let all the gray show. I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped wearing clothes that I thought would make me look attractive to men. For about three years, I stripped away all the disguises I’d been using and tried to show only myself.
And I discovered something. I am beautiful.
When I couldn’t rely on my externals to communicate my beauty, I had to turn to internals. I think of internals as spiritual qualities. These qualities are linked to qualities such as love, patience, caring, listening, fun-loving, joy, creativity, peace. Since these are spiritual qualities, each one of us has access to them wherever and whoever we are.
And what was fun to realize is that no one has any more or less of these qualities. I had been thinking of myself as not having enough beauty, as being deprived somehow. But when I began to express those spiritual qualities, beauty became natural and effortless. I don’t think you can help being beautiful when you’re being loving or when you’re at peace, when you’re having fun or expressing creativity.
I could see then that worrying about my appearance and how it rated compared to that of others was a form of self-obsession. Expressing spiritual qualities was selfless, because it’s about expressing Soul.
I knew I was making progress when one day, while I was reading in a park overlooking the ocean, a man approached me and just appreciated how at peace and pretty I looked. I really felt like one of the “beautiful people” in my own way.
These days, relocated to New England, I’m back to coloring my hair and wearing makeup. But that’s not what makes me feel beautiful. The smile on someone else’s face shining back at me gives me the glow of beauty, and I feel blessed.
You are beautiful, too. So are all the people around you. When you see spiritually, the world becomes a place of beauty.
儿时，我总觉得自己是只丑小鸭。其他小孩都不喜欢和我玩，他们觉得我性格怪僻，瘦骨嶙峋，又不爱运动。我和仅有的几个朋友都是被遗弃的对象。
后来，当我越长越漂亮后，便时常笑容满面，但仍摆脱不了自卑的阴影。我认为，一个稍微有些标致的女孩有男朋友是很自然的事——她应该享受幸福。而这种幸福并不属于我。
每每有男生注意我时，我总觉得他是出于对我的同情，因此对他敷衍搪塞，直到他讨厌我为止。即使在照镜子时发现自己长得还可以，我也会把这当做纯粹的偶然。
之后的数年，我几经感情的失败，反复地减肥，甚至极端仇视自己。接着，我开始在洛杉矶生活，这是一个“人人完美”的地方。逆向思维驱动着我下决心改变自己。
我不再染发，让灰白头发全露出来。也不再化妆，不穿吸引男性目光的衣服。三年中，我蜕掉了所有的伪饰，尽力展现真我。
此时，我发现自己很漂亮。
不能凭借外表来传达美丽时，我就重视内在美。我认为，内在美是精神品质。这些品质与爱心、耐心、体贴、倾听、贪玩、快乐、创造力以及平和等品性息息相关。这些精神品质，人人都可具备，不管你是谁，也不管你身在何方。
认识到这些品质对每个人都一视同仁是很有趣的。我曾认为自己不够漂亮，感觉被剥夺了一般。但当我开始表现出这些品质时，我发现美是天然去雕饰的。当某人满怀爱心或心态平和，或于玩乐中尽显创造力时，美便自然流露出来。
我这才发现，和他人比外表之美及其美丽指数，是一种自恋。而展现精神品质是无私的，因为那是灵魂的展示。
我知道自己正在逐渐进步。有一天，当我在公园读书，俯瞰大海时，一位男士走到我身旁，欣赏我的宁静之美。我真切地觉得自己在以特有的方式向“美丽的白天鹅”转变。
这些日子，我又移居新英格兰，重新染发化起妆来。但使我光彩照人的不是这些，而是路人投来的微笑，让我陶醉其中。
你也很美。你周围的人都很美。当你用心观察这个世界时，它便是美丽的家园。
1. Later, I began to develop a figure and a , I still never could shake the feeling that I was substandard. the prettier girl got the guy, I figured that was only fair—she deserved to be . I didn’t.
2. I could see then worrying about my appearance and how it rated compared to that of others was a of self-obsession. Expressing spiritual qualities was selfless, it’s about expressing Soul.
3. You are beautiful, . So are all the people you. When you see spiritually, the world becomes a place of .
1. 不能凭借外表来传达美丽时，我就重视内在美。
2. 当某人满怀爱心或心态平和，或于玩乐中尽显创造力时，美便自然流露出来。
3. 当你用心观察这个世界时，它便是美丽的家园。
1. ...so I reciprocated obsessively until he got tired of me.
get tired of：对……感到厌倦
2. When I couldn’t rely on my externals to communicate my beauty, I had to turn to internals.
rely on：依靠；依赖
