"I've been ****** inquiries," he said. "I saw the chairman of the committee on the pork bill. I know him well. He's a good fellow, but--""Yes, I know. I've seen lots of politicians like that; they're all good fellers, but-- If I was in politics I'd make a law to cut 'But' out of the dictionary.""Well, this chap really is a good fellow. I asked about the thirty thousand dollars for your town. He asked me why I didn't go to the congressman from that district, and not bother him about it. Isaid perhaps I would go to the congressman later, but I came to him first.""Sartin. Same as the feller with a sick mother-in-law stopped in at the undertaker's on his way to call the doctor. All right;heave ahead."
"Well, we had a rather long conversation. I discovered that the Bayport item was originally included in the bill, but recently had been stricken out.""Yes, I see. Uncle Sam had to economize, hey? Save somethin' for a rainy day.""Well, possibly. Still the bill is just as heavy. Now, Captain Whittaker, I don't KNOW anything about this affair, and it's not my business. But I've been about to-day, and I asked questions, and--I'm going to tell you a fairy tale. It isn't as interesting as your sea yarns, but-- Do you like fairy stories?""Land, yes! Tell a few myself when it's necessary. Sometimes Ialmost believe 'em. Well?"
"Of course, you must remember this IS a fairy story. Let's suppose that once on a time--that's the way they always begin--once on a time there was a great man, great in his own country, who was sent abroad by his people to represent them among the rulers of the land. So, in order to typically represent them, he dressed in glad and expensive raiment, went about in dignity, and--""And whiskers. Don't leave out the whiskers!""All right--and whiskers. And it came to pass that the people whom he represented wished to--to--er--bring about a certain needed improvement in their--their beautiful and enterprising community.""Sho! sho! how natural that sounds! You must be a mind reader.""No. But I have to make speeches in my own community occasionally.
Well, the people asked their great man to get the money needed for this improvement from the rulers of the land aforementioned. And he was at first all enthusiasm and upon the--the parchment scroll where such matters are inscribed was written the name of the beautiful and enterprising community, and the sum of money it asked for. And the deal was as good as made. Excuse the modern phraseology; my fairy lingo got mixed there.""Never mind. I can get the drift just as well--maybe better.""And the deal was as good as made. But before the vote was taken another chap came to the great man and said: 'Look here! I want to get an appropriation of, say, fifty thousand dollars, to deepen and improve a river down in my State'--a Southern State we'll say.
'I've been to the chairman of the pork bill committee, and he says it's impossible. The bill simply can't be loaded any further. But I find that you have an item in there for deepening and improving a harbor back in your own district. Why don't you cut that item out--shove it over until next year? You can easily find a satisfactory explanation for your constituents. AND you want to remember this: the improvement of this river means that the--the--well, a certain sugar-growing company--can get their stuff to market at a figure which will send its stock up and up. And you are said to own a considerable amount of that stock. So why not drop the harbor item and substitute my river slice? Then--' Well, I guess that's the end of the tale."He paused and relit his cigar. Captain Cy thoughtfully marked with his fork on the tablecloth.
"Hum!" he grunted. "That's a very interestin' yarn. Yes, yes! don't know's I ever heard a more interestin' one. I presume likely there ain't a mite of proof that it's true?""Not an atom. I told you it was a fairy tale. And I mustn't be quoted in the matter. Honestly, the most of it is guess work, at that. But perhaps a 'committee of one,' dropping a hint at home, might at least arouse some uncomfortable questioning of a certain great man. That's about all, though. Proof is quite another thing."The captain pondered. He was fully aware that the unpopularity of the "committee" would nullify whatever good its hinting might do.
"Humph!" he grunted again. "It's one thing to smell a rat and another to nail its tail to the floor. But I'm mighty obliged to you, all the same. And I'll think it over hard. Say! I can see one thing--you don't take a very big shine to Heman yourself.""Not too big--no. Do you?"
"Well, I don't wake up nights and cry for him."Everdean laughed.
"That's characteristic," he said. "You have your own way of putting things, Captain, and it's hard to be improved on. Atkins has never done anything to me. I just--I just don't like him, that's all. Father never liked him, either, in the old days; and yet--and it's odd, too--he was the means of the old gentleman's ****** the most of his money.""He? Who? Not Heman?"
