That hunger for affection too long withheld was for the time displaced by an almost physical sense of an implacable past which still engirdled her.It intensified her consciousness of error to a practical despair;the break of continuity between her earlier and present existence, which she had hoped for, had not, after all, taken place.Bygones would never be complete bygones till she was a bygone herself.
Thus absorbed she recrossed the northern part of Long-Ash Lane at right angles, and presently saw before her the road ascending whitely to the upland along whose margin the remainder of her journey lay.Its dry pale surface stretched severely onward, unbroken by a single figure, vehicle, or mark, save some occasional brown horse-droppings which dotted its cold aridity here and there.While slowly breasting this ascent Tess became conscious of footsteps behind her, and turning she saw approaching that well-known form - so strangely accoutred as the Methodist - the one personage in all the world she wished not to encounter alone on this side of the grave.
There was not much time, however, for thought or elusion, and she yielded as calmly as she could to the necessity of letting him overtake her.She saw that he was excited, less by the speed of his walk than by the feelings within him.
`Tess!' he said.
She slackened speed without looking round.
`Tess!' he repeated.`It is I - Alec d'Urberville.'
She then looked back at him, and he came up.
`I see it is,' she answered coldly.
`Well - is that all? Yet I deserve no more! Of course,' he added, with a slight laugh, `there is something of the ridiculous to your eyes in seeing me like this.But - I must put up with that....I heard you had gone away, nobody, knew where.Tess, you wonder why I have followed you?'
`I do, rather; and I would that you had not, with all my heart!'
`Yes - you may well say it,' he returned grimly, as they moved onward together, she with unwilling tread.`But don't mistake me; I beg this because you may have been led to do so in noticing - if you did notice it - how your sudden appearance unnerved me down there.It was but a momentary faltering;and considering what you had been to me, it was natural enough.But will helped me through it - though perhaps you think me a humbug for saying it - and immediately afterwards I felt that, of all persons in the world whom it was my duty and desire to save from the wrath to come - sneer if you like - the woman whom I had so grievously wronged was that person.
I have come with that sole purpose in view - nothing more.'
There was the smallest vein of scorn in her words of rejoinder: `Have you saved yourself? Charity begins at home, they say.'
`I have done nothing!' said he indifferently.`Heaven, as I have been telling my hearers, has done all.No amount of contempt that you can pour upon me, Tess, will equal what I have poured upon myself - the old Adam of my former years! Well, it is a strange story; believe it or not; but I can tell you the means by which my conversion was brought about, and I hope you will be interested enough at least to listen.Have you ever heard the name of the parson of Emminster - you must have done so? - old Mr Clare; one of the most earnest of his school; one of the few intense men left in the Church; not so intense as the extreme wing of Christian believers with which I have thrown in my lot, but quite an exception among the Established clergy, the younger of whom are gradually attenuating the true doctrines by their sophistries, till they are but the shadow of what they were.I only differ from him on the question of Church and State -the interpretation of the text, "Come out from among them and be ye separate, saith the Lord" - that's all.He is one who, I firmly believe, has been the humble means of saving more souls in this country than any other man you can name.You have heard of him?'
`I have,' she said.
`He came to Trantridge two or three years ago to preach on behalf of some missionary society, and I, wretched fellow that I was, insulted him when, in his disinterestedness, he tried to reason with me and show me the way.He did not resent my conduct, he simply said that some day I should receive the first-fruits of the Spirit - that those who came to scoff sometimes remained to pray.There was a strange magic in his words.They sank into my mind.But the loss of my mother hit me most; and by degrees I was brought to see daylight.Since then my one desire has been to hand on the true view to others, and that is what I was trying to do to-day; though it is only lately that I have preached hereabout.The first months of my ministry have been spent in the North of England among strangers, where I preferred to make my earliest clumsy attempts, so as to acquire courage before undergoing that severest of all tests of one's sincerity, addressing those who have known one, and have been one's companions in the days of darkness.If you could only know, Tess, the pleasure of having a good slap at yourself, I am sure------'
`Don't go on with it!' she cried passionately, as she turned away from him to a stile by the wayside, on which she bent herself.`I can't believe in such sudden things! I feel indignant with you for talking to me like this, when you know - when you know what harm you've done me! You, and those like you, take your fill of pleasure on earth by ****** the life of such as me bitter and black with sorrow; and then it is a fine thing, when you have had enough of that, to think of securing your pleasure in heaven by becoming converted! Out upon such - I don't believe in you -I hate it!'
`Tess, he insisted; don't speak so! It came to me like a jolly new idea!
And you don't believe me? What don't you believe?'
`Your conversion.Your scheme of religion.'
`Why?'
She dropped her voice.`Because a better man than you does not believe in such.'
`What a woman's reason! Who is this better man?, `I cannot tell you.'
