You know that nobody wished to hinder your going.And how unnecessary it has been for you to toll along on foot, and encumber yourself with this heavy load! I have followed like a madman, simply to drive you the rest of the distance, if you won't come back.'
`I shan't come back,' said she.
`I thought you wouldn't - I said so! Well, then, put up your baskets, and let me help you on.'
She listlessly placed her basket and bundle within the dog-cart, and stepped up, and they sat side by side.She had no fear of him now, and in the cause of her confidence her sorrow lay.
D'Urberville mechanically lit a cigar, and the journey was continued with broken unemotional conversation on the commonplace objects by the wayside.He had quite forgotten his struggle to kiss her when, in the early summer, they had driven in the opposite direction along the same road.
But she had not, and she sat now, like a puppet, replying to his remarks in monosyllables.After some miles they came in view of the clump of trees beyond which the village of Marlott stood.It was only then that her still face showed the least emotion, a tear or two beginning to trickle down.
`What are you crying for?' he coldly asked.
`I was only thinking that I was born over there,' murmured Tess.
`Well - we must all be born somewhere.'
`I wish I had never been born - there or anywhere else!' `Pooh! Well, if you didn't wish to come to Trantridge why did you come,'
She did not reply.
`You didn't come for love of me, that I'll swear.'
`'Tis quite true.If I had gone for love o' you, if I had ever sincerely loved you, if I loved you still, I should not so loathe and hate myself for my weakness as I do now!...My eyes were dazed by you for a little, and that was all.'
He shrugged his shoulders.She resumed--
`I didn't understand your meaning till it was too late.'
`That's what every woman says.'
`How can you dare to use such words!' she cried, turning impetuously upon him, her eyes flashing as the latent spirit (of which he was to see more some day) awoke in her.`My God! I could knock you out of the gig!
Did it never strike your mind that what every woman says some women may feel?'
`Very well,' he said, laughing; `I am sorry to wound you.I did wrong - I admit it.' He dropped into some little bitterness as he continued:
`Only you needn't be so everlastingly flinging it in my face.I am ready to pay to the uttermost farthing.You know you need not work in the fields or the dairies again.You know you may clothe yourself with the best, instead of in the bald plain way you have lately affected, as if you couldn't get a ribbon more than you earn.'
Her lip lifted slightly, though there was little scorn, as a rule, in her large and impulsive nature.
`I have said I will not take anything more from you, and I will not - I cannot! I should be your creature to go on doing that, and Iwon't!'
`One would think you were a princess from your manner, in addition to a true and original d'Urberville - ha! ha! Well, Tess, dear, I can say no more.I suppose I am a bad fellow - a damn bad fellow.I was born bad, and I have lived bad, and I shall die bad in all probability.But, upon my lost soul, I won't be bad towards you again, Tess.And if certain circumstances should arise - you understand - in which you are in the least need, the least difficulty, send me one line, and you shall have by, return whatever you require.I may not be at Trantridge - I am going to London for a time - I can't stand the old woman.But all letters will be forwarded.'
She said that she did not wish him to drive her further, and they stopped lust under the clump of trees.D'Urberville alighted, and lifted her down bodily in his arms, afterwards placing her articles on the ground beside her.She bowed to him slightly, her eye just lingering in his; and then she turned to take the parcels for departure.
Alec d'Urberville removed his cigar, bent towards her, and said--`You are not going to turn away like that, dear? Come!'
`If you wish,' she answered indifferently.`See how you've mastered me!'
She thereupon turned round and lifted her face to his, and remained like a marble term while he imprinted a kiss upon her cheek-half perfunctorily, half as if zest had not yet quite died out.Her eyes vaguely rested upon the remotest trees in the lane while the kiss was given, as though she were nearly unconscious of what he did.
`Now the other side, for old acquaintance' sake.'
She turned her head in the same passive way, as one might turn at the request of a sketcher or hairdresser, and he kissed the other side, his lips touching cheeks that were damp and smoothly chill as the skin of the mushrooms in the fields around.
`You don't give me your mouth and kiss me back.You never willingly do that - you'll never love me, I fear.'
`I have said so, often.It is true.I have never really and truly loved you, and I think I never can.' She added mournfully, `Perhaps, of all things, a lie on this thing would do the most good to me now; but I have honour enough left, little as 'tis, not to tell that lie.If I did love you Imay have the best o' causes for letting you know it.But I don't.'
He emitted a laboured breath, as if the scene were getting rather oppressive to his heart, or to his conscience, or to his gentility.
`Well, you are absurdly melancholy, Tess.I have no reason for flattering you now, and I can say plainly that you need not be so sad.You can hold your own for beauty against any woman of these parts, gentle or ******;I say, it to you as a practical man and well-wisher.If you are wise you will it to the world more than you do before it fades...And yet, Tess, will you come back to me? Upon my soul I don't like to let you go like this!'
`Never, never! I made up my mind as soon as I saw - what I ought to have seen sooner; and I won't come.'
`Then good morning, my four months' cousin - good-bye!'
He leapt up lightly, arranged the reins, and was gone between the tall red-berried hedges.
Tess did not look after him, but slowly wound along the crooked lane.
