When I was not in the meetings,however,and especially when in my room at night,I was continually trying to fight off a sense of loneliness that seemed to threaten to overwhelm me.I wanted to be alone,and yet Ifeared to be.I was aware,in spite of their congratulations on my efforts,of a growing dislike for my associates;and in the appalling emptiness of the moments when my depression was greatest I was forced to the realization that I had no disinterested friend--not one--in whom Icould confide.Nancy had failed me;I had scarcely seen Tom Peters that winter,and it was out of the question to go to him.For the third time in my life,and in the greatest crisis of all,I was feeling the need of Something,of some sustaining and impelling Power that must be presented humanly,possessing sympathy and understanding and love....I think Ihad a glimpse just a pathetic glimpse--of what the Church might be of human solidarity,comfort and support,of human tolerance,if stripped of the superstition of an ancient science.My tortures weren't of the flesh,but of the mind.My mind was the sheep which had gone astray.
Was there no such thing,could there be no such thing as a human association that might at the same time be a divine organism,a fold and a refuge for the lost and divided minds?The source of all this trouble was social....
Then toward the end of that last campaign week,madness suddenly came upon me.I know now how near the breaking point I was,but the immediate cause of my "flying to pieces"--to use a vivid expression--was a speech made by Guptill,one of the Citizens Union candidates for alderman,a young man of a radical type not uncommon in these days,though new to my experience:an educated man in the ultra-radical sense,yet lacking poise and perspective,with a certain brilliance and assurance.He was a journalist,a correspondent of some Eastern newspapers and periodicals.
In this speech,which was reported to me--for it did not get into the newspapers--I was the particular object of his attack.Men of my kind,and not the Judd Jasons (for whom there was some excuse)were the least dispensable tools of the capitalists,the greatest menace to civilization.We were absolutely lacking in principle,we were ready at any time to besmirch our profession by legalizing steals;we fouled our nests with dirty fees.Not all that he said was vituperation,for he knew something of the modern theory of the law that legal radicals had begun to proclaim,and even to teach in some tolerant universities.
The next night,in the middle of a prepared speech I was delivering to a large crowd in Kingdom Hall there had been jeers from a group in a corner at some assertion I made.Guptill's accusations had been festering in my mind.The faces of the people grew blurred as I felt anger boiling,rising within me;suddenly my control gave way,and I launched forth into a denunciation of Greenhalge,Krebs,Guptill and even of Perry Blackwood that must have been without license or bounds.I can recall only fragments of my remarks:Greenhalge wanted to be mayor,and was willing to put the stigma of slander on his native city in order to gain his ambition;Krebs had made a failure of his profession,of everything save in bringing shame on the place of his adoption;and on the single occasion heretofore when he had been before the public,in the School Board fiasco,the officials indicted on his supposed evidence had triumphantly been vindicated--,Guptill was gaining money and notoriety out of his spleen;Perry Blackwood was acting out of spite....Ireturned to Krebs,declaring that he would be the boss of the city if that ticket were elected,demanding whether they wished for a boss an agitator itching for power and recognition....
I was conscious at the moment only of a wild relief and joy in letting myself go,feelings heightened by the clapping and cheers with which my characterizations were received.The fact that the cheers were mingled with hisses merely served to drive me on.At length,when I had returned to Krebs,the hisses were redoubled,angering me the more because of the evidence they gave of friends of his in my audiences.Perhaps I had made some of these friends for him!A voice shouted out above the uproar:--"I know about Krebs.He's a d--d sight better man than you."And this started a struggle in a corner of the hall....I managed,somehow,when the commotion had subsided,to regain my poise,and ended by uttering the conviction that the common sense of the community would repudiate the Citizens Union and all it stood for....
But that night,as I lay awake listening to the street noises and staring at the glint from a street lamp on the brass knob of my bedstead,I knew that I had failed.I had committed the supreme violation of the self that leads inevitably to its final dissolution....Even the exuberant headlines of the newspapers handed me by the club servant in the morning brought but little relief.
