`Then I tell you what it is, gents both. There is at this present moment in this very place, a perfect constellation of talent and genius, who is involved, through what I cannot but designate as the culpable negligence of my friend Pecksniff, in a situation as tremendous, perhaps, as the social intercourse of the nineteenth century will readily admit of. There is actually at this instant, at the Blue Dragon in this village, an ale-house observe; a common, paltry, low-minded, clodhopping, pipe-smoking ale-house; an individual, of whom it may be said, in the language of the Poet, that nobody but himself can in any way come up to him; who is detained there for his bill. Ha! ha! For his bill. I repeat it. For his bill. Now,' said Mr. Tigg, `we have heard of Fox's Book of Martyrs, I believe, and we have heard of the Court of Requests, and the Star Chamber; but I fear the contradiction of no man alive or dead, when I assert that my friend Chevy Slyme being held in pawn for a bill, beats any amount of cockfighting with which I am acquainted.'
Martin and Mr. Pinch looked, first at each other, and afterwards at Mr. Tigg, who with his arms folded on his breast surveyed them, half in despondency and half in bitterness.
`Don't mistake me, gents both,' he said, stretching forth his right hand. `If it had been for anything but a bill, I could have borne it, and could still have looked upon mankind with some feeling of respect: but when such a man as my friend Slyme is detained for a score -- a thing in itself essentially mean; a low performance on a slate, or possibly chalked upon the back of a door -- I do feel that there is a screw of such magnitude loose somewhere, that the whole framework of society is shaken, and the very first principles of things can no longer be trusted. In short, gents both,' said Mr. Tigg with a passionate flourish of his hands and head, `when a man like Slyme is detained for such a thing as a bill, I reject the superstitions of ages, and believe nothing. I don't even believe that I don't believe, curse me if I do!'
`I am very sorry, I am sure,' said Tom after a pause, `but Mr. Pecksniff said nothing to me about it, and I couldn't act without his instructions.
Wouldn't it be better, sir, if you were to go to -- to wherever you came from -- yourself, and remit the money to your friend?'
`How can that be done, when I am detained also?' said Mr. Tigg; `and when moreover, owing to the astounding, and I must add, guilty negligence of my friend Pecksniff, I have no money for coach-hire?'
Tom thought of reminding the gentleman (who, no doubt, in his agitation had forgotten it) that there was a post-office in the land; and that possibly if he wrote to some friend or agent for a remittance it might not be lost upon the road; or at all events that the chance, however desperate, was worth trusting to. But, as his good-nature presently suggested to him certain reasons for abstaining from this hint, he paused again, and then asked:
`Did you say, sir, that you were detained also?'
`Come here,' said Mr. Tigg, rising. `You have no objection to my opening this window for a moment?'
`Certainly not,' said Tom.
`Very good,' said Mr. Tigg, lifting the sash. `You see a fellow down there in a red neckcloth and no waistcoat?'
`Of course I do,' cried Tom. `That's Mark Tapley.'
`Mark Tapley is it?' said the gentleman. `Then Mark Tapley had not only the great politeness to follow me to this house, but is waiting now, to see me home again. And for that attention, sir,' added Mr. Tigg, stroking his moustache, `I can tell you, that Mark Tapley had better in his infancy have been fed to suffocation by Mrs. Tapley, than preserved to this time.'
Mr. Pinch was not so dismayed by this terrible threat, but that he had voice enough to call to Mark to come in, and up-stairs; a summons which he so speedily obeyed, that almost as soon as Tom and Mr. Tigg had drawn in their heads and closed the window again, he, the denounced, appeared before them.
`Come here, Mark!' said Mr. Pinch. `Good gracious me! what's the matter between Mrs. Lupin and this gentleman?'
`What gentleman, sir?' said Mark. `I don't see no gentleman here sir, excepting you and the new gentleman,' to whom he made a rough kind of bow:
`and there's nothing wrong between Mrs. Lupin and either of you, Mr. Pinch, I am sure.'
`Nonsense, Mark!' cried Tom. `You see Mr.--'
`Tigg,' interposed that gentleman. `Wait a bit. I shall crush him soon.
All in good time!'
`Oh him! ' rejoined Mark, with an air of careless defiance. `Yes, I see him. I could see him a little better, if he'd shave himself, and get his hair cut.'
Mr. Tigg shook his head with a ferocious look, and smote himself once upon the breast.
`It's no use,' said Mark. `If you knock ever so much in that quarter, you'll get no answer. I know better. There's nothing there but padding; and a greasy sort it is.'
`Nay, Mark,' urged Mr. Pinch, interposing to prevent hostilities `tell me what I ask you. You're not out of temper, I hope?'
`Out of temper, sir!' cried Mark, with a grin; `why no, sir. There's a little credit -- not much -- in being jolly, when such fellows as him is a-going about like roaring lions: if there is any breed of lions, at least, as is all roar and mane. What is there between him and Mrs. Lupin, sir? Why, there's a score between him and Mrs. Lupin. And I think Mrs.
Lupin lets him and his friend off very easy in not charging 'em double prices for being a disgrace to the Dragon. That's my opinion. I wouldn't have any such Peter the Wild Boy as him in my house, sir, not if I was paid race-week prices for it. He's enough to turn the very beer in the casks sour with his looks: he is! So he would if it had judgment enough.'
`You're not answering my question, you know, Mark,' observed Mr. Pinch.
