The success of my first discourse rendered the execution of this resolution more easy.As soon as it had gained the premium, Diderot undertook to get it printed.Whilst I was in my bed, he wrote me a note informing me of the publication and effect: "It is praised," said he, "beyond the clouds; never was there an instance of a like success."This favor of the public, by no means solicited, and to an unknown author, gave me the first real assurance of my talents, of which, notwithstanding an internal sentiment, I had always had my doubts.Iconceived the great advantage to be drawn from it in favor of the way of life I had determined to pursue; and was of opinion, that a copyist of some celebrity in the republic of letters was not likely to want employment.
The moment my resolution was confirmed, I wrote a note to M.de Francueil, communicating to him my intentions, thanking him and Madam Dupin for all goodness, and offering them my services in the way of my new profession.Francueil did not understand my note, and, thinking I was still in the delirium of fever, hastened to my apartment; but he found me so determined, that all he could say to me was without the least effect.He went to Madam Dupin, and told her and everybody he met, that I was become insane.I let him say what he pleased, and pursued the plan I had conceived.I began the change in my dress; I quitted laced cloaths and white stockings; I put on a round wig, laid aside my sword, and sold my watch; saying to myself, with inexpressible pleasure: "Thank Heaven! I shall no longer want to know the hour!" M.de Francueil had the goodness to wait a considerable time before he disposed of my place.At length, perceiving me inflexibly resolved, he gave it to M.d'Alibard, formerly tutor to the young Chenonceaux, and known as a botanist by his Flora Parisiensis.** I doubt not but these circumstances are now differently related by M.Francueil and his consorts; hut I appeal to what he said of them at the time, and long afterwards, to everybody he knew, until the forming of the conspiracy, and of which, men of common sense and honor, must have preserved a remembrance.
However austere my sumptuary reform might be, I did not at first extend it to my linen, which was fine and in great quantity, the remainder of my stock when at Venice, and to which I was particularly attached.I had made it so much an object of cleanliness, that it became one of luxury, which was rather expensive.Some person, however, did me the favor to deliver me from this servitude.On Christmas Eve, whilst the women-folk were at vespers, and I was at the spiritual concert, the door of a garret, in which all our linen was hung up after being washed, was broken open.Everything was stolen;and amongst other things, forty-two of my shirts, of very fine linen, and which were the principal part of my stock.By the manner in which the neighbors described a man whom they had seen come out of the hotel with several parcels whilst we were all absent, Theresa and myself suspected her brother, whom we knew to be a worthless man.
The mother strongly endeavored to remove this suspicion, but so many circumstances concurred to prove it to be well founded, that, notwithstanding all she could say, our opinions remained still the same: I dared not make a strict search for fear of finding more than Iwished to do.The brother never returned to the place where I lived, and, at length, was no more heard of by any of us.I was much grieved Theresa and myself should be connected with such a family, and I exhorted her more than ever to shake off so dangerous a yoke.This adventure cured me of my inclination for fine linen, and since that time all I have had has been very common, and more suitable to the rest of my dress.
Having thus completed the change of that which related to my person, all my cares tended to render it solid and lasting, by striving to root out from my heart everything susceptible of receiving an impression from the judgment of men, or which, from the fear of blame, might turn me aside from anything good and reasonable in itself.In consequence of the success of my work, my resolution made some noise in the world also, and procured me employment; so that I began my new profession with great appearance of success.However, several causes prevented me from succeeding in it to the same degree Ishould under any other circumstances have done.In the first place my ill state of health.The attack I had just had, brought on consequences which prevented my ever being so well as I was before;and I am of opinion, the physicians, to whose care I intrusted myself, did me as much harm as my illness.I was successively under the hands of Morand, Daran, Helvetius, Malouin, and Thierry: men able in their profession, and all of them my friends, who treated me each according to his own manner, without giving me the least relief, and weakened me considerably.The more I submitted to their direction, the yellower, thinner, and weaker I became.My imagination, which they terrified, judging of my situation by the effect of their drugs, presented to me, on this side of the tomb, nothing but continued sufferings from the gravel, stone, and retention of urine.
Everything which gave relief to others, ptisans, baths, and bleeding, increased my tortures.Perceiving the bougies of Daran, the only ones that had any favorable effect, and without which Ithought I could no longer exist, to give me a momentary relief, Iprocured a prodigious number of them, that, in case of Daran's death, I might never be at a loss.During the eight or ten years in which I made such frequent use of these, they must, with what I had left, cost me fifty louis.
It will easily be judged, that such expensive and painful means did not permit me to work without interruption; and that a dying man is not ardently industrious in the business by which he gains his daily bread.
