During a considerable time I exactly followed the distribution I had prescribed myself, and found it very agreeable; but as soon as the fine weather brought Madam d'Epinay more frequently to Epinay, or to the Chevrette, I found that attentions, in the first instance natural to me, but which I had not considered in my scheme, considerably deranged my projects.I have already observed that Madam d'Epinay had many amiable qualities; she sincerely loved her friends; served them with zeal; and, not sparing for them either time or pains, certainly deserved on their part every attention in return.I had hitherto discharged this duty without considering it as one; but at length I found that I had given myself a chain of which nothing but friendship prevented me from feeling the weight, and this was still aggravated by my dislike to numerous societies.Madam d'Epinay took advantage of these circumstances to make me a proposition seemingly agreeable to me, but which was more so to herself; this was to let me know when she was alone, or had but little company.I consented, without perceiving to what a degree I engaged myself.The consequence was that I no longer visited her at my own hour but at hers, and that I never was certain of being master of myself for a day together.This constraint considerably diminished the pleasure I had in going to see her.I found the liberty she had so frequently promised was given me upon no other condition than that of my never enjoying it; and once or twice when I wished to do this there were so many messages, notes, and alarms relative to my health, that I perceived I could have no excuse but being confined to my bed, for not immediately running to her upon the first intimation.It was necessary I should submit to this yoke, and I did it, even more voluntarily than could be expected from so great an enemy to dependence: the sincere attachment I had to Madam d'Epinay preventing me, in a great measure, from feeling the inconvenience with which it was accompanied.She, on her part, filled up, well or ill, the void which the absence of her usual circle left in her amusements.
This for her was but a very slender supplement, although preferable to absolute solitude, which she could not support.She had the means of doing it much more at her ease after she began with literature, and at all events to write novels, letters, comedies, tales, and other trash of the same kind.But she was not so much amused in writing these as in reading them; and she never scribbled over two or three pages at one sitting, without being previously assured of having, at least, two or three benevolent auditors at the end of so much labor.Iseldom had the honor of being the one of the chosen few except by means of another.When alone, I was, for the most part, considered as a cipher in everything; and this not only in the company of Madam d'Epinay, but in that of M.d'Holbach, and in every place where Grimm gave the ton.This nullity was very convenient to me, except in a tete-a-tete, when I knew not what countenance to put on, not daring to speak of literature, of which it was not for me to say a word; nor of gallantry, being too timid, and fearing, more than death, the ridiculousness of an old gallant; besides that, I never had such an idea when in the company of Madam d'Epinay, and that it perhaps would never have occurred to me, had I passed my whole life with her; not that her person was in the least disagreeable to me; on the contrary, I loved her perhaps too much as a friend to do it as a lover.I felt a pleasure in seeing and speaking to her.Her conversation, although agreeable enough in a mixed company, was uninteresting in private; mine, not more elegant or entertaining than her own, was no great amusement to her.Ashamed of being long silent, I endeavored to enliven our tete-a-tete and, although this frequently fatigued me, I was never disgusted with it.I was happy to show her little attentions, and gave her little fraternal kisses, which seemed not to be more sensual to herself; these were all.She was very thin, very pale, and had a bosom which resembled the back of her hand.This defect alone would have been sufficient to moderate my most ardent desires; my heart never could distinguish a woman in a person who had it; and, besides, other causes, useless to mention, always made me forget the *** of this lady.
