"I remember every word of it. I remember how you stood and how you looked, even to the hat you wore and the little switch you held in your hand -- when you asked for one little word, one glance, one slightest touch. There, now -- you shall have all my weight to bear." Then she leant upon him with both her hands, turned round her arm, glanced up into his face, and opened her lips as though speaking that little word. "Do you remember that I said I thought you had given it all up?""I remember that, certainly."
"And was not that untrue? Oh, Jonathan, that was such a story.
Had I thought so I should have been miserable.""Then why did you swear to me so often that you could not love me?""I never said so," replied Ayala; "never.""Did you not?" he asked.
"I never said so. I never told you such a story as that. I did love you then, almost as well as I do now. Oh, I had loved you for so long a time!""Then why did you refuse me?"
"Ah; that is what I would explain to you now -- here on this very spot -- if I could. Does it not seem odd that a girl should have all that she wants offered to her, and yet not be able to take it?""Was it all that you wanted!"
"Indeed it was. When I was in church that morning I told myself that I never, never could be happy unless you came to me again.""But when I did come you would not have me.""I knew how to love you," she said, "but I did not know how to tell you that I loved you. I can tell you now; cannot I?" and then she looked up at him and smiled. "Yes, I think I shall never be tired of telling you now. It is sweet to hear you say that you love me, but it is sweeter still to be always telling you.
And yet I could not tell you then. Suppose you had taken me at my word?""I told you that I should never give you up.""It was only that that kept me from being altogether wretched.
I think that I was ashamed to tell you the truth when I had once refused to do as you would have me. I had given you so much trouble all for nothing. I think that if you had asked me on that first day at the ball in London I should have said yes, if I had told the truth.""That would have been very sudden. I had never seen you before that.""Nevertheless it was so. I don't mind owning it to you now, though I never, never, would own it to anyone else. When you came to us at the theatre I was sure that no one else could ever have been so good: I certainly did love you then.""Hardly that, Ayala."
"I did," she said. "Now I have told you everything, and if you choose to think I have been bad -- why you must think so, and I must put up with it.""Bad, my darling?"
"I suppose it was bad to fall in love with a man like that; and very bad to give him the trouble of coming so often. But now I have made a clean breast of it, and if you want to scold me you must scold me now. You may do it now, but you must never scold me afterwards -- because of that." It may be left to the reader to imagine the nature of the scolding which she received.
Then on their way home she thanked him for all the good that he had done to all those belonging to her. "I have heard it all from Lucy -- how generous you have been to Isadore.""That has all come to nothing," he said.
"How come to nothing? I know that you sent him the money.""I did offer to lend him something, and, indeed, I sent him a cheque; but two days afterwards he returned it. That tremendous uncle of yours -- ""Uncle Tom?"
"Yes, your Uncle Tom; the man of millions! He came forward and cut me out altogether. I don't know what went on down there in Sussex, but when he heard that they intended to be married shortly he put his hand into his pocket, as a magnificent uncle, overflowing with millions, ought to do.""I did not hear that."
"Hamel sent my money back at once."
"And poor Tom! You were so good to poor Tom.""I like Tom."
"But he did behave badly."
"Well; yes. One gentleman shouldn't strike another, even though he be ever so much in love. It's an uncomfortable proceeding, and never has good results. But then, poor fellow, he has been so much in earnest.""Why couldn't he take a No when he got it?""Why didn't I take a No when I got it?"
"That was very different. He ought to have taken it. If you had taken it you would have been very wrong, and have broken a poor girl's heart. I am sure you knew that all through.""Did I?"
"And then you were too good-natured. That was it. I don't think you really love me -- not as I love you. Oh, Jonathan, if you were to change your mind now! Suppose you were to tell me that it was a mistake! Suppose I were to awake and find myself in bed at Kingsbury Crescent?""I hope there may be no such waking as that!""I should go mad -- stark mad. Shake me till I find out whether it is real waking, downright, earnest. But, Jonathan, why did you call me Miss Dormer when you went away? That was the worst of all. I remember when you called me Ayala first. It went through and through me like an electric shock. But you never saw it --did you?"
On that afternoon when she returned home she wrote to her sister Lucy, giving a sister's account to her sister of all her happiness.
