The Mill on the Floss1（excerpt）弗罗斯河上的磨坊（节选）
MAGGIE，-I believe in you-I know you never meant to deceive me-I know you tried to keep faith to me，and to all.I believed this before I had any other evidence of it than your own nature.The night after I last parted from you I suffered torments.I had seen what convinced me that you were not free-that there was another whose presence had a power over you which mine never possessed；but through all the suggestions-almost murderous suggestions-of rage and jealousy，my mind made its way to belief in your truthfulness.I was sure that you meant to cleave to me，as you had said；that you had rejected him；that you struggled to renounce him，for Lucy's sake and for mine.But I could see no issue that was not fatal for you，and that dread shut out the very thought of resignation.I foresaw that he would not relinquish you，and I believed then，as I believe now，that the strong attraction which drew you together proceeded only from one side of your characters，and belonged to that partial，divided action of our nature which makes half the tragedy of the human lot.I have felt the vibration of chords in your nature that I have continually felt the want of in his.But perhaps I am wrong；perhaps I feel about you as the artist does about the scene over which his soul has brooded with love；he would tremble to see it confided to other hands-he would never believe that it could bear for another all the meaning and the beauty it bears for him.
I dared not trust myself to see you that morning-I was filled with selfish passion；I was shattered by a night of conscious delirium.I told you long ago that I had never been resigned even to the mediocrity of my powers：how could I be resigned to the loss of the one thing which had ever come to me on earth with the promise of such deep joy as would give a new and blessed meaning to the foregoing pain，-the promise of another self that would lift my aching affection into the divine rapture of an ever-springing，ever-satisfied want？
But the miseries of that night had prepared me for what came before the next.It was no surprise to me.I was certain that he had prevailed on you to sacrifice everything to him，and I waited with equal certainty to hear of your marriage.I measured your love and his by my own.But I was wrong，Maggie.There is something stronger in you than your love for him.
I will not tell you what I went through in that interval.But even in its utmost agony-even in those terrible throes that love must suffer before it can be disembodied of selfish desire-my love for you sufficed to withhold me from suicide，without the aid of any other motive.In the midst of my egoism，I yet could not bear to come like a death-shadow across the feast of your joy：I could not bear to forsake the world in which you still lived and might need me：it was part of the faith I had vowed to you，to wait and endure.Maggie，that is a proof of what I write now to assure you of-that no anguish I have had to bear on your account has been too heavy a price to pay for the new life into which I have entered in loving you.I want you to put aside all grief because of the grief you have caused me.
I was nurtured in the sense of privation：I never expected happiness：and in knowing you，in loving you，I have had，and still have，what reconciles me to life.You have been to my affections what light，what color is to my eyes-what music it to the inward ear：you have raised a dim unrest into a vivid consciousness.The new life I have found in caring for your joy and sorrow more than for what is directly my own，has transformed the spirit of rebellious murmuring into that willing endurance which is the birth of strong sympathy.I think nothing but such complete and intense love could have initiated me into that enlarged life which grows and grows by appropriating the life of others；for before，I was always dragged back from it by ever-present painful self-consciousness.I even think sometimes that this gift of transferred life which has come to me in loving you，may be a new power to me.
Then-dear one-in spite of all，you have been the blessing of my life.Let no self-reproach weigh on you because of me.It is I，who should rather reproach myself for having urged my feelings upon you and hurried you into words that you have felt as fetters.You meant to be true to those words；you have been true：I can measure your sacrifice by what I have known in only one half-hour of your presence with me when I dreamed that you might love me best.But，Maggie，I have no just claim on you for more than affectionate remembrance.
For some time I have shrunk from writing to you，because I have shrunk even from the appearance of wishing to thrust myself before you，and so repeating my original error.But you will not misconstrue me.I know that we must keep apart for a long while；cruel tongues would force us apart，if nothing else did.But I shall not go away.The place where you are is one where my mind must live，wherever I might travel.And remember that I am unchangeably yours：yours-not with selfish wishes-but with a devotion that excludes such wishes.
God comfort you，-my loving，large-souled Maggie.If every one else had misconceived you-remember that you have never been doubted by him whose heart recognised you ten years ago.
Do not believe any one who says I am ill because I am not seen out of doors.I have only had nervous headaches-no worse than I have sometimes had them before.But the overpowering heat inclines me to be perfectly quiescent in the daytime.I am strong enough to obey any word which shall tell me that I can serve you by word or deed.
Yours，to the last，
PHILIP WAKEM
麦琪，我相信你，我知道你从来没有要欺骗我的想法，我知道你一直对我坦诚相待，对其他所有人同样如此。早在种种事情表露任何证据之前，你的天性就让我看到了这一点。最后一次与你见面后的那天晚上，我辗转反侧，痛苦不安。见面时的情景让我感到你并不自由――另外一个人对你有着我所难以匹敌的影响力。但是，我不停地以各种各样的方式劝自己――终于很艰难地――愤怒和嫉妒隐退下去，我慢慢地说服了自己相信你的真诚。我相信，就像你以前说的，你拒绝了他，为了我和露西，你挣扎着和他划清界限。但是，无论我从哪个方面看，你的状况都岌岌可危，这种极度的不安让我打消了置身事外的念头。我预感他不会放弃你，从以前，到现在我仍然认为你们之间强烈的吸引力只是源于你们性格中的一个方面，我们天性中迷蔽、摇摆不定的一面，人类命运半数的悲剧都归咎于此。在你身上，我感觉到某种隐隐的迷茫和渴求，而同样的，我也不断地在他身上觉察到了类似的情绪。也许我这种想法并不对，也许是因为我对你的感觉就像是艺术家用灵魂去沉思和爱惜一件东西一样，看着它交到别人手上，他的心都在颤抖――他永远也不愿相信它的美丽、它所蕴含的所有意义都将属于另外一个人。
那天早上，我无法相信自己，让自己去见你――我的胸口充满了冲动、自私的激情；一整晚清醒而又胡乱的精神错乱让我疲惫不堪。很早之前，我告诉过你，我不会让自己屈从于自己的懦弱、平庸，那我又怎么能够忍受失去在这个地球上对于我来说如此深挚的快乐呢，它给了我原本昏暗无光的生活以新的意义和希望，赋予我一个全新的自己，使得我原本绵绵不绝的抑郁和苦涩转化为一种神圣的狂喜，一种对于你的爱永不停顿的雀跃和满足。
但是那晚的折磨倒让我对后来发生的事有了心理准备。我并不惊讶。我以为他肯定是打动了你的心，让你舍弃一切跟随他，而我也同样笃信等待着听到你们的婚讯。我用我自己的标准揣量着你对他的爱及他对你的爱。但是，我错了，麦琪，在你心里有比你对他的爱更强大的东西。
我不会告诉你那中间我是怎么度过的，但是即便是在最痛苦的时刻――即便是爱在脱离人自私的欲望之前所必须经历的撕裂般的痛楚和煎熬之中――我对你的爱足以使我结束自己的生命，而没有任何其他的动机。在我意识的最深处，我不能容忍自己如一道死亡的阴影滞留在你的快乐幸福之上，我不能离开这个你仍然活着，仍然可能还需要我的世界：这是我曾对你许下的誓言，等待并默默忍受。麦琪，这可以算作是一个我写信向你再一次承诺的证明――我因为你遭受的烦恼痛苦都无法与我因为爱上你而获得的新生相比，它们都根本算不上是什么沉重的代价。我要你抛开所有因为我引起的伤痛。我在封闭的环境中长大，从来不曾期许过幸福，认识你，爱上你，我感受到了，而且至今仍感受着让我真正生活下去的美好和信念。你之于我心，就像是光和色彩之于我的眼睛，音乐之于我的耳朵一样：你使我的心从漠然和不安中领受到了鲜活的生机感。比起我自己的，我更在意、更关心的是你的喜怒哀乐，而我从中所获得的活着的欲望和期待把一个原本阴郁、反叛的灵魂改造成了一个心甘情愿默默忍受的人，而这点正是孕育强烈同情心的本源所在。除了这种彻底、强烈的爱，我想不到还有什么能把我带入这种更为广阔的生命中来，我慢慢地在容纳和关心他人和他人的生活；以前，一直困悸在痛苦的自我意识中的我对这些总是退避三舍的。有的时候我甚至想爱上你所带来的这种生活的变化也许是赐予我生命的新力量。
所以，亲爱的麦琪，不论如何，你是我生命的福音，不要因为我责备你自己。是我，我不应该冲动的把自己的感情强加于你，让你说出那些话来，成为你的羁绊。你不是乱说话或食言的人，而且你确实做到了：从与你见面的短短半小时里，那时我还梦想着可能你最爱的人是我，我了解了你做出的牺牲。但是，麦琪，对你，除了深情的怀念，我没有权力要求你为我做更多。
有一段时间，我迟迟地不能下手给你写信，因为仅仅想到把自己诉诸你面前，而重复导致以前的错误，我就会摇摆退缩。但是，我知道你不会误解我。我知道我们会很长时间见不了面，即使没有其他阻拦，悠悠众口也会在我们之间横出一道鸿沟。但我不会离开，不管我到哪，我的思绪会追随着你的身影。记住，我，一如既往，属于你――没有任何贪念――只是没有条件、不计代价的爱。
上帝会抚慰你疲惫的心，我亲爱的，高尚的麦琪。如果每一个人都误解你、嗤责你，请记得他永远不会，他早在十年前就熟知了你的内心。
不要相信任何人说我病了，因为我一直没出门。我只是一阵阵的头疼，和以前一样，并没有加重。我只是由于炎热的天气，白天都没有外出活动。我很健康并期待着你的任何消息，告诉我可以为你做些什么。
你的，直至最后，
菲利普？威克姆
译者感言
“No anguish I have had to bear on your account has been too heavy a price to pay for the new life into which I have entered in loving you.”
还记得小说阅读到这部分的时候，心中涌动的激动和感动。原本和主人公麦琪一样，对菲利普的反应是忐忑不安的，以他对麦琪自小而去的深情，难以想象他该受到怎样的伤害。然而他的信如一幅壮观的画卷，勾勒出爱情最真实、真挚、和崇高的境界，也折射出人性最美的光辉。喜欢的人不喜欢自己，在现代社会，遇到这种情况，有的人可以做到“理智”的收手，快速的撒网，快速地收网，有时不禁怀疑现代人的爱情已变了味道，那种彻骨的爱情所散发的真正可以称得上是浪漫、动人的气息早已飘离我们远去，不知所踪；而也有的人爱下去了，也许最终还是无果，但爱情留下的不只是伤痕。只有爱过，才了解什么是爱，怎样去爱。这已是我们现在相当值得称颂的爱情观了；像菲利普这样的爱情，在我们当中应是少之又少的，心灵的、灵魂的、生命的，他的爱成了一种永恒的坚持和深沉的奉献。这倒让我想起了歌德的“我爱你，但与你无关”，其实连心理学者都承认，最真最纯的情感都是非理性的，让人难以理解的。OK，我们暂且不对它做什么评论。只是，我们看到了一个因为爱情而博大的生命，他在爱所交织的甜蜜和痛苦中走向了更为广阔的心灵舞台，爱延长了他生命的触角，而他也回报给爱更深远的跨度和更和谐的内涵。简单地说，爱情应使我们具有更博大的精神世界。
“Remember that I am unchangeably yours：yours-not with selfish wishes-but with a devotion that excludes such wishes.”
